Tripping Over My Own Humanity

I love and hate when I have "big" moments with God.  I love how the move and change me.  I love how in those moments I can feel His presence literally right beside me.  On the other hand, I do not like the transition back into my life.  I would love to live my life completely in those moments, but we all know that everyone must come down from the mountain top.  Boy, did I come down today.

This morning I saw an ad for student loan assistance programs.  This new payment we are facing as much as I hate it, is still sitting in the back of my mind.  So with out pausing I began investigating if we qualified for any assistance.  As I was talking to the Rep and giving him all the information he needed to access my information, he could not.  He would read it back to me and yet it would not be accessed.  He gave me a number to call and verify my access information and loan information.  I called that number they verified everything was correct and accessible on the federal database.

So, I called the Rep back and again he still could not access my information.  It did not matter what he or his supervisor tried, my information was not accessible.  If they can't access that information then my current payment status cannot be changed. (Insert God's voice here)

"I thought you trusted me?"

Here is where I realize how I have just stumbled right over my humanity just like Abraham did with Hagar.  Just like Abraham God proved that nothing I try will achieve His purpose.  As I sat and journaled about my morning the following song phrase began to repeat in my head...

"...they (I) are weak, but He is strong."

I realized that I am very weak.  Letting go of control like this is not in my nature.  Sitting before the Lord and giving Him control is not a one time thing but for me a all the time thing.  Without the Lord's forgiveness and unending grace I would really be in trouble.  To be honest I was not sure if I was going to blog about this and then I realized that one of my goals in learning to live off the beaten path is true and honest transparency.  I don't want people to look at me and think, wow she has it all together because I don't.  My life is messing, flawed and I stumble over my humanity way more than I would like but my goal with this blog is to give encouragement that perfection is not required in this life.  The Lord does not expect perfection and does not require it from us.  He gave us his precious son so that through Jesus we would gain perfection.  The Lord knows we will fail and that our humanity would get in the way a lot, which is why His love and grace are unending.

I want to encourage you that if you are struggling, I understand.  I encourage you to do what I was reminded to do.  When I am weak and my humanity is getting in the way, I need to keep my Lord's words on my lips.  I need to take up my sword (the Bible) and speak it out. So, today I want to encourage you to do the same and remember that when we are weak...He is there to be strong for us.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart

    and lean not on your own understanding;

6 

in all your ways submit to him,

    and he will make your paths straight.

Proverbs 3:5-6